Brandon and I met when I was 18, and we were engaged six weeks later. And then we got married eight months to the day after he proposed. So we knew each other, like, under under ten months when we got married. It’s probably good because if we had lived together anything like that first, we never would have stayed together. Like, the commitment of marriage is what has kept us together at several points in our life together.
I’m the runner, if we’re going to call [it] that. “This is hard. It’s not supposed to be this hard, so maybe we’re not meant to be.” And he’s like, “you know, that just means we work hard.” Each time, and it hasn’t been a ton- we’ve been married almost 17 years- but a few times at different points in our marriage, divorce has been brought up, and each time we stick it out and adapt. In some ways, it’s like we’ve leveled up. And every time I’m super glad that we worked through it because we’re so happy right now. I can’t imagine having quit on that.
We had one miscarriage, kind of like an oops, if you want to call it that. We were surprised that the baby was not planned, but we were excited after we got over the initial shock. It was within our first year of marriage towards the end, and then I miscarried. To be honest, there was a little bit of relief there. We were both still in college, and while we had got started to get excited about it, it was kind of like, okay, good, because we want to finish XYZ first. But it kind of got both of us thinking, oh, wait, are we going to have a difficult time getting pregnant?
And staying pregnant and being a mother is, like, the only consistent dream I ever had growing up. I know not everybody feels this way, but being a mother is just part of who I am, and it kind of always has been. I used to nanny. I had my own child care business. I was definitely baby obsessed as a young child and into my teenage working years. That was a primary source of my college funds and stuff like that. So it did start to wear on me, worrying, like, wait a second, am I going to struggle to have kids? And there’s something to be said for, like, when you think you can’t have something or when someone tells you you can’t have something, sometimes the psychology of it kind of makes you want it even more.
We kind of started talking about having kids and started putting plans into place, like financial plans and insurance plans and other things like that into place to start having a family. It was the first time I’d be like, “hey, I want to have a baby. We should have a baby.” And he’d be like, “no, I’m not ready.” And then he’d say, “hey, maybe we should have baby.” And I’d be like, “no, not yet.” So back and forth for a while. And then we were both on the same page.
So we start planning for a family and Brandon’s like, we should pray about it. And I’m like, no. God says multiply. Replenish the earth. Like, let’s just let’s just jump in. Let’s just start trying to have a baby. And he’s like, no, I really think we should pray about it. So prayed about it and we got, like, a definite no. We were both kind of bummed about it. We waited, I don’t know, four to six months or something, and both of us had started to feel good about it again, and so we prayed about it again and felt like we could move forward. And so we started trying to have a family. And in that time, we had two more miscarriages.
At that point, we found out I have PCOS. There are some people who, like, externally, you can tell that they have it. I didn’t have any of the physical markers, but I definitely had the cysts in my ovaries and I had irregular cycles. And there’s other things where you have, like, non ovulatory cycles, which means you’ve had a period without ever ovulating. Tracking doesn’t really do anything for that unless you’re also taking ovulation tests. So I was told I would need medical assistance to get pregnant. And so we started that, and after about six months of that, we got pregnant with Ethan. And it was like, “yay, we’re super grateful.”
I remember throwing up one to seven or eight times a day for the first 15 or 16 weeks of that pregnancy, and I just never complained about it because that was like a sign that the baby was growing healthy. Like, oh, yeah, I am definitely still pregnant. I am feeling symptoms. I can’t say that I did that for all of my pregnancies, but for Ethan’s, I was very much like, I feel miserable. That’s a good sign.
One of the miscarriages before Ethan was super a bummer because I announced to the world and I miscarried the very next day. I was like, “oh, if I just waited a day.” So I decided if I was going to need help medically to have any children, there’s no point in birth control prevention as far as me taking the pill. We just kind of lived life. And I think three months later, we were shopping. I was feeling guilty about spending a bunch of money on a new wardrobe. I said, “what happens if I get pregnant in three months or something like that?” And he said, “and then I guess you’ll wear these clothes after that.” I said, “do you think I’m pregnant right now?” And he said, “well, you have been a bit moody lately.”
And so we got home, and I peed on a pregnancy test, and it immediately came up. So I went into the doctor, and I was, like, eight or nine weeks pregnant. They’re 13 months apart. And I remember both of us being like, “so is this one going to be free?” Because all the doctors said that this wouldn’t happen, that we couldn’t get pregnant without help. We always did want our kids close together, and we always did want a big family. When he and I met and got married, we had settled on, like, six to eight kids if we could provide for them emotionally and physically and spiritually. And so we start thinking about number three.
The norm for us had been trying for, like, three plus years. The odd thing was having our second come so easily. So we decided to start planning for number three. And we got pregnant, but we miscarried, and then we got pregnant two months later with our third child. So they’re 23 months apart. And then I had an IUD; my husband had started to experience some health issues.
Fast forward, I guess about a year, I started hearing crying, which is not uncommon because we still had little people in the house, but the crying would happen. We’d be watching a movie at night, and I’d hear crying. And so I paused the movie to get up and check on the kids, and Brandon would be like, “what are you doing?” And I’m like, “well, somebody’s crying.” He’s like, “I don’t hear any crying. Nobody’s crying.” I’m like, “okay, well, I’m going to check on the kids.” Sure enough, the kids are still asleep. They were fine.
These experiences started increasing, and they would wake me up out of a complete sleep. Finally told Brandon, “I think we’re supposed to have another baby.” During [that time], he had some pretty intense health issues. He was bedridden for about 20 months. He was diagnosed with a few autoimmune issues, and he said, “well, I don’t feel like we’re supposed to have another baby right now, but I also don’t feel like we’re not.” So my decision basically was, I’m going to go have this IUD removed, and the crying episodes that I was having weekly completely stopped, and I was pregnant.
So while I was very pregnant with Troy, between my husband’s health issues and four kids, I was like, you know what? We have two boys, we have two girls. It’s kind of a silly little thing I have. If you took the first initials of those four children’s name and you moved it around, it spelled TEAM. I thought, you know what? We can be done. Like, four is a good number. So I started purging my girl things. I would get to certain sentimental pieces that both of my girls had worn, and I would have this impression like, ‘hey, you’re going to want to hold on to that.’ I’m basically trying to get rid of girl stuff so I can get what I need for Troy. I remember thinking, ‘is this baby going to come out a girl?’ And I was like, ‘okay, God, if I’m really going to have a girl at some point, what should I name her? Because we have my TEAM, so we could at least be A-TEAM. Very, very clearly, I got ‘her name is Hannah.’ So I kind of kept it to myself.
And then we had Troy, and he was a month or two old. And we’re sitting at the table having dinner, and Ethan, he said, “so for the next baby?” And I laughed and I said, “oh, you think Mom’s having another baby, do you?” And he was like, “yeah.” And I saw my husband out of the corner of my eye, smirk, and I looked at him and I go, “what?” And he goes, “I’m pretty sure we have a daughter left.” And I said, “oh, yeah? Well, do you know her name?” And he said, “yeah, her name’s Hannah.” And then he goes, “yeah, but we get a boy first.”
And so then he told me that back after our second or third miscarriage, and he had had a dream of our family, and it was a boy and then two girls and a boy and another boy. And then there was like a lot of fog and then a little girl. And in that dream, some of their names, Hannah included, came to him. And he had never told me about the dream because he never wanted me to feel obligated. He had had these confirmations that his dream was right. So when I had my experience and I knew Hannah’s name, I think he felt safe to tell me about the dream, without pressure. We were going to take a little break and then have one or two more kids.
I feel like I’m drowning in four children. There’s a lot of moving parts and I end up feeling off and taking a pregnancy test and it comes up positive. And I was not happy, mainly because I like the illusion of control. And the timing to me was like, ‘how in the world is this going to work?’ I am already overwhelmed. And so I was mad. I was not happy. I kind of felt like, okay, God must be looking somewhere else and not here. And I was mad for a while. And then we find out that it’s a boy… we’ll be doing this again because I am 100% confident that I have Hannah left. And I just remember sadly being very upset most of that pregnancy.
Then we go in for the 20 week sonogram and I’m told that I have complete placenta previa, which is where the placenta blocks the exit of the baby. So I’m put on pelvic rest and told that I will be having a C section, which also makes me more mad because I had had four perfect non medicated births. I really love giving birth. I was upset about having a C section, but I was glad to know ahead of time. Like [on] C sections: healthy mom, healthy baby, it’s success. But it just was like one more notch on the control side of me. Like, “you are not in control.”
After that appointment, I was by myself, sat there in the parking lot, just kind of thinking about this baby that I’m having and the risks associated with him. So I started praying and I’m like, ‘God, what is going on?’ Another one of those extremely clear moments. ‘You used to beg me for children and all you have done is complain about this one.’ I just got this overwhelming ‘you’re right.’ And so I repented. I’m like, ‘I am so sorry. And you’re right. I’m going to just have faith and trust that the plan you have for me is going to work out. I will have this baby however you need me to have this baby. I will do whatever you need me to do and I will have the babies you want me to have. And I’m so sorry.’
And I really did change my attitude from that point on. It was kind of an instantaneous change, like being reminded of the loss and of how devastated and heartbroken I was for three plus years just begging to have children. I used to cry begging for children and now I had these four, almost five beautiful gifts and I was not looking at number five as a gift at the time.
We go back to our sonogram appointment on my placenta and it had completely shifted out of the way and was not in any way near the exit. I went into the hospital and had him help me with some Pitocin. We gave birth to Rayden and he’s our ray of sunshine. Life’s really crazy right now. God, what do we need to make it calmer? It fell into place and having five was easier than four. It’s still mind boggling to me.
So we’re in the hospital and I had been struggling with what Rayden’s middle name should be. Halfway through my pregnancy, every time I went to say his full name, Michael would just pop into my head and I’m like, Michael, wait, what did I just say? And I’d like, correct myself and so there’s this back and forth where I’m like, I love the name Liam. I love it. I want to use it. This is probably our last boy, but I remember announcing him on social media as Rayden Liam. And then the birth certificate papers came in the hospital, and I went to write Liam on the birth certificate papers. And all I can say is I basically felt stopped. And I was like, okay, fine. So I put Michael on the birth certificate.
Fast forward. We have Rayden, he’s growing up, and we decide it’s time to try to go ahead and have Hannah so that we can be done with the infant and pregnancy and everything phase of our marriage and our life. I have never gotten pregnant in a month that I wanted to get pregnant. I was like, I really want to try and get pregnant so that we have a February baby. Mission accomplished. Number six was due February 14. So a solid February birth. We found out it was a boy.
I wasn’t hugely surprised personally, but Brandon was, because his dream, like, wait a second… And Liam’s pregnancy was super difficult. I had postpartum while I was pregnant, so I dealt with a lot of depression, I dealt with a lot of paranoia. I dealt with thoughts of suicide. I kind of daydreamed in a wishing way that I would die during birth. So I went through that for about 17 or 18 weeks of that pregnancy, and then a lot of it lifted there towards the halfway mark. I still dealt with bouts of depression, and I still was paranoid, but the suicidal type stuff was pretty much gone. It was very scary. I had not experienced that in any other pregnancy. And I remember thinking, “I’m not sure I can do this again.”
Hannah might exist, but I’m not sure I can go through this again. Like, mentally, I don’t know if my family, if my marriage, if I don’t know if I can go through this [in] any way. Liam, the little stinker. I love him. Came three weeks early on the foggiest day I have seen in my entire life. Could not see anything in front of us on the way to the birth center. Looking back on Brandon’s dream, that’s pretty crazy because there was fog between Rayden and Hannah. It was a beautiful birth. He was a chunky little dude, but he was also an extremely difficult baby.
We’re multi-gen living. We still are. But we were also then, and I remember all four of us adults were kind of like, ‘maybe we won’t be having another baby.’ Probably ten months old or so, I started thinking about whether or not I was willing to have another one. I had friends who were like, “how many boys will you have to have Hannah? Are you sure about that experience?” Well meaning, well intentioned friends that love me, basically saying, like, “you owe it to the family you have not to do this again.”
Hannah had always been Hannah Kate in my mind. “You should look up the name Elise.” So I go home and I look up Elise, and it means God’s promise. If I adopt, I can ensure that it’s a girl. I ended up praying for a dream. I said, ‘okay, God, I know in scripture you give people dreams. You’ve given my mom a dream before when she’s asked. So I’m not trying to tell you what to do, but if I could get a dream about this, that’d be really cool.’ And I remember going to bed that night.
I’m thinking back, and I was like, ‘wait, I remember a dream.’ And it was very, very short. It was me in the same birthing tub that I had Liam in, and I had both of my daughters on either side of me, and I was holding a little girl, and it was clearly a little girl that I had birthed. And the girls were just kind of talking about what her middle name should be. And that was it. That was the dream.
But it answered my question, I think. Three weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. For me, that was really great because I just had to face it at that point, instead of me stressing about, is this pregnancy going to be like Liam’s? Because that was what scared me a lot. Her pregnancy, her birth, everything. Honestly, the best way to describe it is grace. Like, it was a pretty easy pregnancy. I didn’t deal with nearly the depression or paranoia. My body handled it pretty well. I didn’t get sciatica with her like I had with other kids, and her birth was wonderful. And one of my daughters was at the birth with us.
Now we’re complete. We have everybody that we believe we’re supposed to have.
My parents went and they lived out of state, and then when they came back, they were trying to figure out where to settle, and obviously we rooted for them to come be closer to us. Troy (our number four) was probably around the age of two, and they lived with us in a house for almost a year. And when they moved into their new house, we moved out of our rental. And so we went on this really big road trip. We went to six different states and visited friends and family, and it was for fun, and it was to try and get some answers to long term goals that we had. And at the end of our summer tour of all these places, we didn’t really feel connected to any of the places that we visited.
Moved in with my parents and for what was supposed to be like, three or four months while we figured out, were we building, were we renting, buying. What were we going to do? We had five kids, and my parents lived here as well as my my maternal grandmother. My parents are very kind of like ‘what’s mine is yours’ type of people, especially to their family. So we kind of settled in. And my mom was my grandmother’s primary caregiver. And then she ended up having a fall. And so that role grew even more.
I saw that my parents hadn’t been able to do as much as they had done before. My mom and dad were living a life of service. And part of that life of service meant not doing some of the things that they had planned their retirement, and they were serving us by letting us be there. And so it ended up that we were able to mutually serve each other.
At that point, I would take care of my grandmother and my parents would be able to travel. My mom would get breaks. They were able to start hobbies again. And then on our side, our kids got to get to grow up learning from my parents. My parents give my husband and I breaks and we’ve been able to go on trips without children… family dinners, projects, think of all the things that your kids learn from you and your spouse and add another two adults who have talents and skills and abilities. And now what your kids are able to learn and view doubles.
They see two different marriage communication styles. For better or for worse, they see in-law relationships. It was not easy. My maternal grandmother and I were not close. We had a very strained relationship my whole life. And being one of her main caregivers was very challenging. Some days, not every day, but some days. Caring for the elderly in general is hard.
I remember sometimes my kids would say, “why do you take care of Mucca when she’s so mean?” And I told them, “I take care of Mucca because I love Mimi. Without Mucca, my mom wouldn’t be here. And without my mom being here, I wouldn’t be here.” We’ve talked about how everyone we meet can give us examples on how to live or not live.
My kid has to know who John Lennon is and the Beatles, and they watch Andy Griffith and they know what a cassette tape is and a record. Things that I’m not sure every child their age as they grow up and [when] they share stories about their childhood, they might have to tell people what these things are. We still have a home phone.
I think multigenerational living or community living is how we’re supposed to live. It helps parent burnout. It gives purpose to adults as they age and retire. Grandkids help keep grandparents young. It makes it possible for everyone to bring strengths to the table and work together towards common goals. I believe very strongly in community, and if you don’t have it through family or really close friends, then you build it. We’d have people over to our house for dinner almost weekly, and we created traditions with those friends, some of which we’re still very close with. I got pretty good at asking for and accepting help from other people during my husband’s health issues, and it’s actually made me, I think, a better communicator all around.
I’d say our kids and my husband and I, we do most of the cleaning. My husband does 99% of the cooking and grocery shopping, which my mom absolutely loves and I love, but I get it whether we live multi-gen or not. My kids get to help build a lot of projects. My dad is definitely a Mr. Fixit, but he’s also very creative in building things. So he’s designed and built chicken coops and water systems and a big garden area, stuff like that, that the kids have gotten to watch and help with [them].
When you live with people, it’s just like any other relationship. You’ve got to be able to communicate. You have to give a lot of grace. You talk about issues as they come up. I know there’s things that probably irk my parents, but they’ve decided to just probably not tell me about it. You balance what is important to talk about, what’s not important to talk about, give everybody the benefit of the doubt and grace everywhere else. My parents do not really interfere with our parenting. They’re very good about respecting our viewpoints, our opinions on parenting. They support us when we’re gone. They reinforce the rules and things that we’ve decided to do.
One of them being homeschooling, they’re extremely supportive of our homeschooling. Brandon and I sat down and made a list of why we were homeschooling. Somebody that I had talked to that was kind of a mentor suggested writing down our top reasons for homeschooling and our goals, what we wanted to come out of it. And so our reasons for homeschooling were to extend childhood, to guard them from social issues that we saw coming, and to help them learn at their own pace. And not just learn for a test, but learn for the sake of learning, hopefully not lose a love of learning.
One of the benefits of multi-gen living specifically for us is the travel aspect. My husband works for himself and can work anywhere, which means we can live anywhere, so we’ll just kind of plan trips on or off season. Doesn’t really matter the time of year, as long as it works [with our schedule]. Our kids have gotten a lot of experiences that I know they wouldn’t have gotten otherwise. And for the most part, our kids really do have good sibling relationships. We hire teachers when we need to. I created a home school co-op to fill in some social gaps.
It’s been a really fun raising a really big family. Brandon and I did not want our kids to feel like a number. I’ve met some adults who grew up in large families that have told us, “oh, I did whatever I wanted. My parents didn’t know who was around and who wasn’t, and they were just trying to survive.” I came to Brandon, and I was like, “hey, there’s this parenting course, and I’d like to buy it. Basically, think continuing education for motherhood.” I’m kind of the fly by the seat of your pants parent.
One of the best tools we got from it was basically we call it ‘Nights’ in our family, but the kids each get a night of the week where they get to do something that they want to do with one or both of us. So sometimes they get both of us. Usually it’s just one of us. According to the program, they suggest it not be something you spend money on. Occasionally we’ll do something that spends money, like dessert, or it’s a walk. It’s a trip to the library with just mom or dad. It’s games. It’s playing a video game with one of us coloring, drawing, swimming in the pool, jumping on the trampoline. Just something where they get time, and it provides an opportunity for them to talk and open up one on one and kind of build that relationship with them as an individual.
It’s never taken away for punishment. In fact, the kids who are acting out usually need a little more one on one. This child has youth night. This child has a sport. This child has this. So we kind of fit it in with our schedule as a family, and they all bank on it, and they all count on it. Like, I’ve had kids that still, to this day, will not hang out with a friend because it’s their night. Brandon and I have been consistent with this for about seven years. I don’t think we will ever fully understand the impact that it’s made on our kids and their life until much later, but I know that it’s making a really big difference now, too. We’ve had a lot of really great conversations, especially with our preteens, and I’m glad that we started it while they’re young, because if we had had preteens or teenagers and started and tried to start it, I’m not sure that they would have been as excited. Whereas now it’s part of our family culture. This is what we do, and that’s that.
It also helps because our kids know that they have a night. So when Brandon and I go on date night, they’re like, “oh, it’s mom and dad’s night.” When I go out with my mom, it’s, “oh, it’s mom and Mimi’s night.” They are starting to value those relationships, the multigenerational relationships, from seeing it. I really think traditions are important for building the type of home and relationship that we want.
Like I said in the beginning, I felt born to be a mom. I feel like in many ways, I’m a better mom than I am a wife. I put a lot more energy into being a supportive, encouraging partner to my husband. It takes more focus for me to be a good wife. It takes more energy to tell [the kids] why we do things this way, or “I don’t know why the world is the way that is.” I would say communication and the nights is probably an area that I’m proud of us, and I don’t know that I’m uniquely qualified.
I think every mother has strengths and gifts that they’re intended to use with their individual families. I don’t know that how I mother would be beneficial for other kids. But my kids were given to me, and that’s what they have to work with. And maybe I have a lot more lessons to learn than other people, because that’s why I needed seven children to try and teach me lessons. Like, I’m not in control. Maybe some people only need one child to learn that lesson.
Professional Photo Credit:
Fort Worth Family Motherhood Photographer (@forthewildlingsphotography) • Instagram photos and videos
Wow! Quite a family.